人生。感情。失望

昨天和几年没见的中学朋友见面，聊了很多关于自己的工作和感情。听了她的感情故事，我觉得自己其实比她好一点，至少还有个愿意关心我、保护我的追求者。我是不是身在福中不知福？可是身旁有几个不好的例子，男方几乎都向女方表示自己最爱对方，永远会爱她、对她好。但谁知道他在背后会做出对不起女方、让人受伤难过。虽然自己现在很想有个男朋友在身旁，但是看到活生生的例子瞬间又让我对感情失去信心。。。谁能保证现在对我说“我会永远爱你、照顾你”的人以后不会违背他的承诺？

心痛

今天的眼睛很肿 心很痛。。。有时候瞬间明白寻死的人哪里突然来的勇气 

在老板房间被训了大概十分钟 说我没用心做事 还说如果真觉得这份工作不适合 就要想想自己要的是什么 不要再浪费时间 

我心里想如果我已经找到新工作 或者我不需要为钱烦恼 不需要你开口 你早就在你桌上看到我的辞职信了 可是 我不能这么说 憋在心里很辛苦 家人不会谅解 找不到朋友诉苦 我只好在这里发泄 可是 心还是很痛:'( 我该怎么办？

负面心情总找上我。。。

好像突然间失去方向， 瞬间对人生的道路感觉迷茫。。。

其实自己已经知道自己喜欢做什么、想做什么，却身不由己。有时候会问自己：“我这么做对吗？”、“我应该这样吗？”。。。

我理想的生活是周日见见可爱的学生、周末休息，做自己喜欢的其它东西，比如去上个舞蹈班、做做运动、到户外骑脚车。。。我到底是怎么了？为什么想要这么简单的东西都得不到？现在的工作压力多大，我觉得我一点创意都没有，对公司一点贡献都没有，我根本就不适合这份工作！当初怎么这么笨到骗自己说自己能够胜任这份工作？！我真的无药可救了。。。*低落

半年后。。。我又回来了！

Hello~我又回来了！

半年了。。。这次回来大扫除吗？呵呵！

和上次回来的原因一样 我又。。。好了好了，给大家大概报告一下我的近况：

距离我的last working day已经进入第四个星期了，这阵子坐在家想了很多事情，也发生了一些事情。详细情况我就不多说了，目前希望下一个面试能够成功，虽然办公室距离家里是远了一点。。。先不想那么多，反正船到桥头自然直。

还有一样很让我既期待又开心的事情是，前晚和妹妹在网上趁廉价航空促销时间预定了明年四月的自助泰国之旅 - 庆祝泼水节！上一次到泰国曼谷的时候好像才小学二、三年级，这么久了一定变化很大，趁这次去走走看看，反正趁有能力最好就到处去走，不然等到老了，就算钱再多，也力不从心。

这几天都睡不好，一直失眠，睡醒还能记得刚刚做了什么样的梦。。。精神也不好，晚上想早点上床睡觉也不行。也许最近烦心事多，我自己也想太多，才把自己的精神搞得这么差。有时候想想，突然很想有一个可以聆听我倾诉的男朋友，不开心的时候有个人可以逗你笑那该有多好。。。

Review of 2012

Hi ladies & gentlemen,

It is such a long period that I did not have post these few months about myself since my previous post in August. I have no idea where is this mood suddenly comes from persuading me to write here. Well, just let me update some about myself.

2012 is about to end in 2 more days and I realized I did not set any goal for myself at the beginning. Anyway, I would like to conclude, 2012 is a year that full of sweet & sour for me.

I ended 2011 with a lil bit of sour and started my 2012 with some sweet.......affairs? And I thought that could be continued till which day it supposed to end...or no ending which I hoped, but good things do not always go as you wished. Everything changed. Out of expected. Without any reason. It just ended with no starting at all. That breaks my heart. Till now. And I am stupid and stubborn enough for waiting for no reason, when I know that's not gonna happened. It's been a year. I locked myself in my own world and set a sky high firewall to protect myself. Cuz I don't wanna get myself hurt again. I got pain enough.

February, I resigned from my first job. There is totally a place full of bitter (Bitter is the best word to describe) even for my job, memories......Last day of the month was my last day of work. After I quit, I decided, I do not want to go back to hotel industry. I wanna do something I really like. I like teaching. I like kids. I wanted to be a teacher. A Mandarin teacher. Tried to get students during my jobless period at home, but failed. Parents were stressing me as I was jobless sitting at home for a week, and they were thinking I wasted their money for studied hospitality but I don't work in the same industry. My thinking is totally different. People study for better future. To get a paper that proves your study level in order to get a good job and more money in future. What's the purpose of working? To earn money. What's the purpose we want money? To get better life. So, what you work for is that a matter as long as you can earn more money? And of course it has to be legal la. At the end, I back to hotel, again.

March, I met a senior online and saw her status posted in her Facebook about job vacancy. I asked about it and I never thought that I must be selected. Arranged my resume and decided to try my luck. At least this is something new for me. Went for interview, and I got the job few days after. Started my second job on 19th March 2012. This is totally a new experience for me, as I was doing Human Resources for my first job. I felt it interesting and challenging. I love it. Got to know more people since I joined, they are friendly and nice, regardless with their position. This is what I appreciated. And of course, it is an international hotel chain under a big organization. I am proud of it.

April - June, I worked and got confirmed on 19th June 2012. I can tell people I am a confirmed employee under Le Meridien Kuala Lumpur! These few months are sweet moments for me. Even working in the office, busy or not busy I always have my team's support. And, I had my graduation day in May. I'm officially graduated!

July, Sales moved into cluster and I been selected to be part of the team called Malaysia National Sales Team (MNST). Some of us are required to change working base to another property and I was worried about this, as I do not want to move to The Westin Kuala Lumpur. First reason is, I don't want to leave my property team. Second, hardly I escaped from my previous working place, all bad memories gonna come back to me if I ever moved to there and base there again. Thank god the management heard me and never moved my base. Till now I am still base in Le Meridien Kuala Lumpur.

August, Those who supposed to move their base moved to their assigned property. Some of them from Sheraton Imperial and The Westin moved to Le Meridien and we get to know each other well. We had an interesting team building activity something like Amazing Race called ‘KL 360: Starwood Quest’. We get to know each other well with completed task assigned with our teamwork. The best thing was, we were rewarded foot massage after the half day walking and running in KL. Starwood treats us not bad:) 

September, Malaysia National Sales Team kicked off. That night was ‘Starwood Has Talent Night’. We invited all clients from corporates, travel agencies, MICE and government to introduce MNST. That night was really a fun night. Besides that, I wasn't know the god actually arranged an affair for me. This guy added me in Facebook few days after we talked on the phone without any meeting face to face, and we started our first date 2 weeks after. He was a very caring guy, always concern about myself in working or any situation. He confronted to me at the night in our first date. I never expected I could ever had a guy said such thing to me. I was surprised. At the end of course I doubt is that real? Or I was dreaming? Or he just probably joking? Anyway, I leave it for observation. I know you probably know who you are if you are reading this. :)

I did something which I felt the most craziest thing in my life so far! I took leaves and booked a flight to Singapore. Alone. Yes, ALONE! I took the flight alone! And I was enjoying it. Throw every luggage into cabin including my hand luggage just bring along my handbag with me, relaxed with no burden. Travel alone actually not a bad thing, despite of the security issue, I will try again with some places I know well. 

October -  November, Things go as usual. I went out for dates with my admire some of the weekends haha. My mind actually wandering, shall I accept him as he was really treating me very well, fetched me to airport from my home and from airport to home during my Singapore trip, bought me gifts, fetched me to work and back to home during his leaves, organized my birthday party secretly and gave me surprise, these were actually what a boyfriend does to his girlfriend. Honestly, I feel lucky enough to have a guy really cares me. I still remembered he bought me a hot pad and sent it to my house when he knows I am sick due to caught cold. I was wandering at a + junction, as I am tired of taking care of people and their feeling, being cared is not a bad option and it might happier than taking care of people. But, at the end, I rejected him, after few dates with him. I just realized I am kind of person that to care and to love. In other way, I was trying to forget everything about the past that really hurt me much. I don't know perhaps I'm afraid of getting hurt again, or I am waiting for a person that able to set my firewall off. If you're reading this, I wanted to apologize. I don't want you to waste your time on me. It's not worth. I am more comfortable with being friends with you, just like how when we just knew each other. Anyway, thanks for everything given. That will be part of sweet memories for me:)

December, The last month in 2012. This is a mixing of sweet and sour month. This month reminded me some of the sweet, sour and bitter memories last year. Christmas, new year......Last Christmas it was nothing special for me, the only thing I did, was I touched my piano again after few months because of him. I practice till no mistakes at all, recorded it down and played it to him. Just because he said he wanted to listen. I did not have any Christmas present last year and this Christmas, I received 5 gifts from my beloved friends and colleagues! 

Soon, new year eve is just tomorrow. The pictures of last new year eve are still appear in my mind sometimes...I wondered, are you still remember about it? Movie, shopping, Baskin Robin's ice-cream, fireworks, Starbucks......that's was our first date, also the last date. I couldn't believe it just ended like that. You walked away without telling me anything. You just fooling me? Or I was the one thinking too much? If you are not prepared why approached me? I was waiting someday you could come over and tell me the reason. As long as I get an answer, I know what's the answer. Better than now I'm hanging around and don't know where to land on. I'm disappointed to bet you are avoiding in seeing me. I told myself, if 21st December will be end of the world, or I could stay alive if there's really a change of the world, I will throw your note and the paperclip, delete the photos and memories, start the day with another new of myself. Too bad, I keep giving myself excuses not to throw all that. Because I cared. Another new year coming soon, not sure about how am I gonna pass thru that day, but I'm sure I gonna think of those pictures again when I see fireworks. 

Hopefully 2013 will be a better year for me. I have goals to set, fight for a better future and my career. Conclusion for 2012, I appreciated whoever concerned, supported and treated me well, wish you guys and girls have a very good new year too. 

Team Building with Malaysia National Sales Team (MNST)

Since I joined cluster sales I've been busy for training last week and these few days. Quite tiring because there were full day training and some half day sessions either at Sheraton Imperial Kuala Lumpur and The Westin Kuala Lumpur that I need to rush here and there during lunch time. 

Last Wednesday there was a team building activity for the MNST, all of us required to meet at Sheraton Imperial Kuala Lumpur at 8a.m.. Was having flu in the morning, didn't care much because was thinking it would be better after that. We were briefed by people from Apxara, which requested to arrange this activity from Starwood for us. Then we were divided to few color groups, mine was the pink group with Zoe, Joanne and Hailey. Each group was given an Ipad with the StarWood Quest as well as cash money RM30, we were required to answer and complete those tasks to get points. We spent some time to read thru all the questions and we were the last group left the hotel. There were 2 cameramen to follow us anytime for photoshooting and record down what we doing.

We took monorail to Bukit Bintang area, and started looking for the answers of the questions. Then we went to The Westin hotel, each of us given a paper bag with a pack of cookies and a soft drink can. Our task was to sell them all to get higher revenue to cover all costs. Four of us got RM48 total after sell them off. Then we rushed to Starbucks in Pavillion, to meet a 'potential client'. This 'client' was actually one of them from Apxara, an Event Executive to arrange event for her guests. We were required to close the deal in 30 mins, and at the end, we did it within 30 mins:) Rushed to craft centre in Jalan Ampang then, to buy a handcraft to color and to build our own 'Starwood City'. Then we walked all the way to KLCC from the craft centre. I feel exhausted and no more energy to run. I had a feeling that imma going to faint but I tell myself that I can't and I have to keep it up cuz it's the last stop. Finally after around 10-15 mins walking, we reached the KLCC Park and took a group photo. A Mercedes Benz was waiting for us*finally can rest!*, the uncle fetched us to a massage centre in Bukit Bintang then, this is one of the arrangement in our activities!

We were given drinks from Chatime and got to have foot massage for all of us! Owh that was really my first foot massage and we really need it! We were like half dead after walked for such long distance in KL......It was around 2p.m. after massage, and we had Japanese packed lunch given as well, we took them all back to hotel and eat in the sales office. We got our certificate for completed the StarWood Quest :D There was another training at 3p.m. after lunch, and we got new name cards and executive notebook with Starwood logo! So tired and sleepy after the half day walked around KL, we almost turned the whole KL off! Now I understood why they called it 'KL 360°'! 

After the training ended at about 5p.m., our team booked 2 hotel rooms for us to rest and change, to prepare for the dinner at Capsquare. The Apxara team was there to show the photos taken during our game and announced who's the winner!! My group which is pink group, got the 1st runner-up. Each of us got RM50 voucher from Isetan which expired in July 2013! Yesssss! Keep it for shopping! And remember the batik handcraft we bought to color? Zoe and me just simply color it and we got full marks 10/10! What a surprise! It's really unexpected that's our masterpiece!!

Batik Handcraft done by Zoe & Me;)

It's a good reward for shopaholic:D

There were singers singing on the stage then all of us were invited to the dance floor. I was really enjoyed that night! But when I reached home, I couldn't feel my body. Uploaded few photos to Facebook and quickly washed my face then laid down on the bed. Although we were all tired and exhausted, having body ache after that, that was a great experience and I'm sure we all had fun.  

Today's Diary : A New Start

16th July 2012                  Monday                     Rain

I'm happy to announce that I'm no longer an associate under Le Meridien Kuala Lumpur, but I will be attached to Starwood Hotels & Resorts today onwards! Thankful that I will still be based in Le Meridien Kuala Lumpur, which this problem made me worried cuz I do not want to leave there. Finally the list was out, and I was happy to know I'm not moving my base!

Ta-Da! This is the letter of intent!

Got the letter of intent this noon from the regional, signed the letter and passed it to the HRD, Ms Jaclyn. Had a short meeting with HR together with Malaysia National Sales Team (MNST) today, which allows us to ask whatever questions regards to this (MNST). Soon we gonna have all the answers from the regional. 

Well, 4 of other MNST members are coming into Le Meridien Kuala Lumpur this coming Friday, feel excited to meet them! *xoxo* I feel so glad and blessed that I left my previous place and joined Starwood, I know that god is watching me cuz he knows it will be a good place for me to start. I feel everything is arranged by him, he seems like knowing what are best for me. I'm seriously feel thankful.

Shared this good news to my parents and they feel so proud of me as well.*hehehe* They asked me to work hard and don't ever leave such a good organization. Of course I won't! Unless they force me to leave!

Seems there are something new for me, feeling to spend to workout a new me...gonna buy some new clothes, a new haircut, a new hair color.........

Dad's Birthday Celebration~Happy Birthday Daddy!

My 6 days off finally just gone like this, gonna back to work tomorrow...

Yesterday was my second last holiday, dad not working as Monday is his rest day. Went out to shopping as I'm still on leave, sis going back to her uni only at night. Very long time we did not come out for shopping with all of us free while not working/not studying, this is rarely cuz when I'm working dad will be off & when he's working I'll be off. Kinda miss the days when during school holidays last time, dad used to bring us to go shopping and walk around. 

Alright, mission yesterday wasn't only shopping, we gotta celebrate dad's birthday in advance. Went to Festival City in Setapak for a walk, had a quick & simple lunch there as we decided to go 1U after that to celebrate dad's birthday there. We actually decided to have lunch at 1U but lil bro said he couldn't stand his hunger anymore. Thus I suggested to have some snacks first, and I bought some typical Taiwanese snacks at Shih Lin. Accidently saw Chatime just next door, bought 4 different flavors for all of us, mum shared with bro as she couldn't finish one. Thats our simple lunch.

Headed to 1U after that, as sis mentioned there's a Hong Kong famous desserts stall opened at old wing. Looked for a restaurant and made reservation for dinner first, meanwhile we asked them to keep the cake for us. Then we went try out the newly opened Hong Kong desserts - Hui Lau Shan. Ordered these named Mango Romance, we shared together.

Went to walk around and bought some stuff for ourselves at Isetan after that. *I got new earrings & a top hehe* Well, this is very random as I seldom can really like a piece of top or pants or skirt or dress with just simply walk around. Great, as long as I'm happy with the money spent on something I really like. It's dinner time after 2 hours walked, we headed to this restaurant where we booked our seats earlier for our dinner!

This is a Japanese Restaurant similar with Sushi Zanmai, however we decided to try it out even we tried Sushi Zanmai before. Service quite good, many people having their dinner there as well. Looked at their menu, design as similar as Sushi Zanmai. There's actually another Japanese Restaurant next door, just next door. Forgotten the name, named 'Kita No Zen' is not mistaken. Did not ask whether there're under the same owner. 

Ordered some sushi platers and noodles. They're having promo for particular order, but we did not order those. I ordered Soft Shell Crab sushi rolls, and my favourite Scallops! 

Finished our meals, time to sing birthday song! Asked the waiter to clear our table and the cake can be taken out. I told dad the cake is special unlike those cakes he had for his previous birthdays. He was surprise when he saw our picture on the cake:D We sing birthday song and I feel people around were watching us haha. *shy* 

Dad with his cake

Dad making birthday wishes

Packed the cake as we couldn't finish it. Paid and left the restaurant around 9p.m.. Guess how much the bill for 5 of us? That's not important. I still remember dad gave me an unforgettable birthday when I was 17. Mum went to China with sis and bro, and they back on the day before my birthday. Dad brought us to Sakura Cafe at Jalan Imbi, mum said dad used to bring her there before they got married. We had meals like usual, I went to washroom after finished mine. When I came out from washroom, I saw the cake was already on the table, and the birthday song was played in the restaurant. I was so happy and first time I had my birthday in a way like in the drama. I will never forget that. Same thing, I wish my dad happy and like what we gave him last night. I know he did, cuz he told me he was very happy;)

Tao Japanese Buffet - Sales Team Outing

It's July! Finally half of the year has gone, it's been 3 month plus I worked in Le Meridien Kuala Lumpur, time is really passing fast.

Previously I was told to join cluster sales, and thought that I might have to move my base to other Starwood property, was a little bit unhappy and worried. Hardly I escaped from down town area I wouldn't want to go back again and, I feel reluctant to leave my beloved colleagues......Well, just received this good news from my lady boss yesterday - I will still base in Le Meridien Kuala Lumpur and not moving anymore. Thank god! 

Well, I'm gonna talk about the outing with my beloved colleagues last week. Thanks to the organizer, ViNi Chee. We went for a Japanese Buffet Dinner @ Tao Cuisine Japanese Buffet, Sunway Giza. We straight went to Kota Damansara after the cluster meeting at Sheraton Imperial Kuala Lumpur, managed to reach there before 8p.m., and our buffet was actually start at 8.30p.m.. We asked and they let us went in and have our seats first, while waiting for others. 

Busy camwhoring in the car 

Start taking photo and busy check-in with our smart phones *hehehe* when we're seated down. Next, start hunting for food! See what we got on our tables!!

Busy checking & replying email

Seriously don't know who did this, the person must be a very creative person.

Nah......Drooling??

Desserts make the entire meal perfect

And of course, nothing much besides food, but there must be our group photos as well;) 

Coordinators & Trainees with the bosses

That's all:) Left Sunway Giza about 10.20p.m., fetched Narshelyn & Michelle back and reached home around 12a.m.. Heard that Jogoya isn't that nice anymore, not a bad thing if you could try out Tao Cuisine Japanese Buffet @ Sunway Giza if you are Japanese food lover.

今天的日记

二零一二年六月二十四日              阴

今天我又熬夜上网褒剧，看‘溏心风暴’。昨晚出门和高中同学聚会回家后就一直坐在电脑前面，连续褒了20集，终于把整部剧看完。虽然这部剧之前在电视上播过，可是重看剧情依然可以触动我心，我又再次为了一部剧流眼泪。

这部剧讲的是家庭伦理，一家人在一起生活要和和气气，就好像‘大鲍’在剧里说的那句，‘有口也是和，无口也是和（禾）’。要珍惜眼前拥有的一切，要不然等失去那时侯才后悔，那就太迟了。

这部剧我最关注的剧情，是Alfred和常在心的关系进展。他们从拍拖到吵架、从吵架到复合，之后又吵架到第三者介入，看着常在心成天为了Alfred流眼泪，我都会替她心痛。他们俩的关系又令我想起和他的过去。虽然我们没有开始过，可是第一次和他的单独约会足以让我感受到一个女子沉醉的恋爱中的感觉。可惜的是，那第一次，居然也是最后一次。

我和常在心有一样东西很相似，就是我们俩都有一个‘常在心间’，一个属于我们自己的blog。常在心会把她每天所发生的事情当日记一样，记录在‘常在心间’。我只是偶尔有时间、有心情，才会把心情写在这里。而常在心有有一样东西是我没有的。她很幸运，有得得地一个这么好的朋友，在她不开心的时候逗她笑；在她有困难的时候不顾一切地帮助她，还会到‘常在心间’去看常在心的日记，对她每一天所发生的事情都很关心。她还有Alfred为了她写了一本‘没有常在心的日子’，每一篇写的都令常在心流眼泪，我也跟着流眼泪。

写blog的时候我有时会想，他会不会看到我的blog。不管他会不会看到，我今年开始写的每一篇，都用英文来写，因为他看不懂中文。有时候会觉得自己很傻，他看到或是看不到又怎样。我开心还是不开心，他永远也不会好像以前那样send短讯给我，和我聊天、安慰我、逗我笑。晚上睡觉前，也不会再收到一个说晚安的message。我有时候想，事情已经过了这么久，为什么我还是那么执著，那么放不下。他为什么可以变得那么突然，什么都没有说转过身就走。尝试想鼓起勇气问他为什么，可是每当我看见他上线，那股勇气又突然消失了。我不知道要怎样开口，我不知道我应该问他些什么。我很害怕，我真的很怕问到的结果不是我要的答案，怕自己接受不到。所以我宁愿假装当什么事都不知道，假装不care他这么冷淡地对我。

第36集，Alfred因为帮常在心想一宗官司该怎么打而心不在焉冲红灯，造成车祸意外身亡。常在心很难过，在Alfred出意外之前常在心send了一封email给他，想告诉他自己已经原谅了他的过错 。不过Alfred却因为意外而来不及看那封email，令常在心觉得他就这么带着遗憾离开，一直责怪自己为什么不早一点send那封email。虽然我不是常在心，可是我能感觉到失去一个自己喜欢的人是什么感觉。可是如果连他都不知道自己难过，不曾理会自己的感受，这份难过只有自己一个人去承受。心永远留下一道裂痕，虽然眼泪流过了不会再流，可是心还是会痛，会不舍得。。。

曾经和一个朋友聊天，我问为什么自己的心这么软，像玻璃一样这么容易碎。他居然问我是不是还是想他、还是放不下。我说我不知道，虽然没有以前那样会每天翻看他以前send给我的短讯，和我们一起拍的合照，可是那些短讯的照片依然存在我的手提电话里面，不舍得删除。虽然现在的心情和之前比起来平复了好多，但是偶尔晚上睡觉前还是会不经意地翻看他send给我的短讯和我们的合照。看了又会想回以前一起工作、一起吃lunch、一起放工、一起吃宵夜。。。还有那一晚，一起跨年倒数看烟花，眼泪又不自觉地流出来。我不知道，这种心情什么时候才会结束。我什么时候才能完完全全放下，把所有的照片和短讯都删除掉。